I
was coming home from a college night class. We lived on 15 acres in
rural Franklin County and had a long driveway with an entrance not
visible from the road. It had been snowing and I was worried about
getting my car up our gravel driveway. I was too distracted to wonder
why our gate was closed with a chain thrown around it. When I got out
of the car and walked toward the gate, I was grabbed from behind and
abducted.
The details of what followed would later be told to
numerous law enforcement officers. (more on that later) What's
relevant here was that my attacker threatened to come back and kill me
if I told anyone. There was no doubt in my mind he meant it. I had to
convince him
not to kill me then. I had no intention of reporting it, only
to wind up dead.
I can still see my mom's expression when I got home two hours later. I told her everything and begged her not to call the
police. She said, "We have to, that's kidnapping! You'll be
protected!" But I didn't believe her. I was absolutely terrified.
Dad
came home, right before the cops arrived. He had arrived home from
work before. I remember him saying he got out of the car to open the
gate, just like I did. Dad would later tell me that he'd done the same
thing I did and got
out of the car to open the gate, but then the hair stood up on the back
of his neck. He knew it was a trap intended for his daughter. When Mom told him I was missing, he left and drove around our small town looking for my car, and took his gun with him.
The
two cops who came that night were men, the same age as my dad. But they
were kind and patient as I told them every detail. I was in deep shock,
not capable of feeling embarrassed or self-conscious, so I told them
everything and wrote out my statement without any emotion. I couldn't
feel anything but fear of my attacker returning. There were
holes in my memory; I couldn't remember things which should have been
obvious, but the cops never questioned it. They did not second-guess
me. I kept having to go back and correct some details but they never
questioned it.
This was 1985. These were middle-aged men with no special training on how to treat a rape survivor but they had
compassion and common sense. I trusted them enough to tell them
everything and call later with more details as my memory returned. They never asked what I was wearing.
There was no talk of what I could have done different.
Over the
next few days I would meet several more male cops, and I would tell them
what happened many more times. It never occurred to me to feel
embarrassed or self-conscious. Part of that can be attributed to the
fact that I was emotionally numb right afterward, but I'm sure their
kindness and patience was a huge factor. (People sometimes ask me how I
can talk about being raped. When you've gone through each little
detail with multiple strangers in a few days, talking about it to your
loved ones is no big deal.)
No one ever accused me of not
telling the truth. In fact, every time I spoke to them I was encouraged
to tell them more. The cops seemed to understand that the more
comfortable they made me feel, the more details I could remember, and
the more information they had, the higher the chance of catching a
rapist.
They were all good men with families. I can only guess
they were determined to make sure their wives and daughters would never
have to face my attacker. I never saw any of them get angry but I
overheard one telling my mom, "We don't like this type of thing
happening in Franklin County." One cop was a bit intimidating; I wasn't
afraid of him but I remember thinking I wouldn't want to be this guy if
Gray caught him. I heard my Dad tell Gray exactly what he'd do to my
attacker "if he has the balls to come back." Gray said "Make sure I'm
the one who investigates." I don't think he was kidding.
Soon
afterward I met "Mike" who was in charge of the investigation. He was
particularly friendly and encouraging. Mike explained that since it
happened when I came home from college, my attacker most likely saw me
there and followed me home. He told me that he was most likely still
there, as an employee or a student. Mike understood how frightened I
was but encouraged me to take note of any man who seemed uncomfortable
around me. He assured me that it might be hard to believe, but my
attacker was now more afraid of me than I was of him.
I never
saw my attacker but I assured Mike that I would know that voice if I
heard it again. Mike never doubted it. He said, if you think you hear
his voice, get his name and call me. Even if you think you're probably
wrong. Don't worry about us arresting the wrong guy. If he's not the
one, we'll rule him out right away.
Three
months later I called them with the name of a man whose voice sounded
like my attacker. (I never saw this person; voice recognition was all I
had). The cop I spoke to said “We’ll check him out. Good work.” Two
months after that, my attacker was behind bars.
The
investigating cops learned that this man was responsible for several
other rapes in Franklin county. So because they listened and believed
me, a violent predator was no longer a threat. The cops wanted a
confession to ensure a guilty verdict and they got one. My attacker was
sentenced to 45 years. He died in prison.
Despite
all of that, I still dealt with the kind of bullshit comments that keep
women silent in the first place. Why didn’t I fight back? What was I
thinking driving alone late at night? (9:00 pm) Maybe if you dressed
down you wouldn’t get noticed. That would never happen to me! You need
to pay attention to your surroundings.
One comment
stands out: “If you have sex with your boyfriend, it will get around,
and then weird men will start following you home again.”
Are you fucking kidding me???
I
don’t care that it was 1985 and people didn’t understand rape. Either a
person has manners or they don’t. The people who said those things were
downright rude.
What really pisses me off is that I could be considered lucky. There is nothing lucky about being raped.
I
totally get why a woman wouldn’t speak up. On behalf of all rape
survivors, here’s a big fat “Fuck You” to anyone who doesn’t believe us.
