What Happened

I was coming home from a college night class.  We lived on 15 acres in rural Franklin County and had a long driveway with an entrance not visible from the road.  It had been snowing and I was  worried about getting my car up our gravel driveway.  I was too distracted to wonder why our gate was closed with a chain thrown around it.  When I got out of the car and walked toward the gate, I was grabbed from behind and abducted.

The details of what followed would later be told to numerous law enforcement officers.  (more on that later)  What's relevant here was that my attacker threatened to come back and kill me if I told anyone. There was no doubt in my mind he meant it.  I had to convince him not to kill me then. I had no intention of reporting it, only to wind up dead.

I can still see my mom's expression when I got home two hours later.  I told her everything and begged her not to call the police. She said, "We have to, that's kidnapping!  You'll be protected!" But I didn't believe her. I was absolutely terrified. 

Dad came home, right before the cops arrived.  He had arrived home from work before.   I remember him saying he got out of the car to open the gate, just like I did.  Dad would later tell me that he'd done the same thing I did and got out of the car to open the gate, but then the hair stood up on the back of his neck.  He knew it was a trap intended for his daughter.  When Mom told him I was missing, he left and drove around our small town looking for my car, and took his gun with him. 

The two cops who came that night were men, the same age as my dad. But they were kind and patient as I told them every detail. I was in deep shock, not capable of feeling embarrassed or self-conscious, so I told them everything and wrote out my statement without any emotion.  I couldn't feel anything but fear of my attacker returning.  There were holes in my memory; I couldn't remember things which should have been obvious, but the cops never questioned it.  They did not second-guess me. I kept having to go back and correct some details but they never questioned it. 

This was 1985.  These were middle-aged men with no special training on how to treat a rape survivor but they had compassion and common sense. I trusted them enough to tell them everything and call later with more details as my memory returned. They never asked what I was wearing. There was no talk of what I could have done different.

Over the next few days I would meet several more male cops, and I would tell them what happened many more times.  It never occurred to me to feel embarrassed or self-conscious.  Part of that can be attributed to the fact that I was emotionally numb right afterward, but I'm sure their kindness and patience was a huge factor.  (People sometimes ask me how I can talk about being raped.  When you've gone through each little detail with multiple strangers in a few days, talking about it to your loved ones is no big deal.) 

No one ever accused me of not telling the truth.  In fact, every time I spoke to them I was encouraged to tell them more.  The cops seemed to understand that the more comfortable they made me feel, the more details I could remember, and the more information they had, the higher the chance of catching a rapist. 

They were all good men with families.  I can only guess they were determined to make sure their wives and daughters would never have to face my attacker.  I never saw any of them get angry but I overheard one telling my mom, "We don't like this type of thing happening in Franklin County."  One cop was a bit intimidating; I wasn't afraid of him but I remember thinking I wouldn't want to be this guy if Gray caught him.  I heard my Dad tell Gray exactly what he'd do to my attacker "if he has the balls to come back."  Gray said "Make sure I'm the one who investigates."  I don't think he was kidding. 

Soon afterward I met "Mike" who was in charge of the investigation.  He was particularly friendly and encouraging.  Mike explained that since it happened when I came home from college, my attacker most likely saw me there and followed me home.  He told me that he was most likely still there, as an employee or a student.  Mike understood how frightened I was but encouraged me to take note of any man who seemed uncomfortable around me.  He assured me that it might be hard to believe, but my attacker was now more afraid of me than I was of him. 

I never saw my attacker but I assured Mike that I would know that voice if I heard it again.  Mike never doubted it.  He said, if you think you hear his voice, get his name and call me.  Even if you think you're probably wrong.  Don't worry about us arresting the wrong guy.  If he's not the one, we'll rule him out right away.
Three months later I called them with the name of a man whose voice sounded like my attacker. (I never saw this person; voice recognition was all I had). The cop I spoke to said “We’ll check him out. Good work.” Two months after that, my attacker was behind bars.

The investigating cops learned that this man was responsible for several other rapes in Franklin county. So because they listened and believed me, a violent predator was no longer a threat. The cops wanted a confession to ensure a guilty verdict and they got one. My attacker was sentenced to 45 years. He died in prison.

Despite all of that, I still dealt with the kind of bullshit comments that keep women silent in the first place. Why didn’t I fight back? What was I thinking driving alone late at night? (9:00 pm) Maybe if you dressed down you wouldn’t get noticed. That would never happen to me! You need to pay attention to your surroundings.

One comment stands out: “If you have sex with your boyfriend, it will get around, and then weird men will start following you home again.”

Are you fucking kidding me???

I don’t care that it was 1985 and people didn’t understand rape. Either a person has manners or they don’t. The people who said those things were downright rude.

What really pisses me off is that I could be considered lucky. There is nothing lucky about being raped.

I totally get why a woman wouldn’t speak up. On behalf of all rape survivors, here’s a big fat “Fuck You” to anyone who doesn’t believe us.

 

I'm Not Whining. I'm Changing the World.

“Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed.”

When I was 19, I was abducted from my driveway and raped.  Law enforcement believed me.  My attacker was caught, convicted, and thrown in jail.  He never got out alive.  I was one of the lucky ones. 

Ask yourself this:  A woman endured rape and is still considered lucky.  Who am I luckier than? The other victims?  What must they have endured for me to be lucky?

How is it that thirty years has passed and rape victims are still treated with disdain?  Haven't we learned by now that rape is not a sexual act, it's an act of violence?  Why do we keep blaming the victims? 

Most important of all, how do we change?

2017 brought the downfall of some powerful and famous men.  How long were their sexual misdeeds known?  These men should have fallen years ago but  their victims were finally heard.  Thanks to the efforts of reporter Ronan Farrow, Harvey Weinstein was exposed as a sociopathic sexual predator.  Now other brave victims have come forward with accusations against additional famous men.  Many of them have gone down: Bill Cosby, Roger Ailes, Bill O'Reilly, Kevin Spacey, James Toback, Chris Savino, Louis C K, to name just a few.  

It's now January, 2018 but the #metoo movement is not slowing down.  We've learned that USA Gymnastics and Michigan State University doctor Larry Nassar had been molesting young girls for two decades.  We watched incredulously as over 150 former gymnasts identified themselves as victims but spoke up in court and took their power back.  The most terrible thing we learned was that Nassar was accused back in 1997, but no one stopped him. 

For twenty years, Larry Nassar was free to keep abusing young girls.  Who do we blame for that?  Nassar, obviously.  But he shares the blame with each and every person who knew and stayed silent.

In my opinion, every administrator who learned of the accusations deserves the blame.  Even those who heard of it second-hand.  They could have called the police, and the police would have investigated.  But they chose not to.  Their reasons are not clear yet, but the reason does not matter.  They enabled sexual abuse with their silence. 

Then they did something even worse.  They turned the blame around on the victims. 
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/gymnastics-scandal-8-times-larry-nassar-could-have-been-stopped-n841091
 
Finally Nassar would have his reckoning.  He sat in the courtroom of Judge Rosemarie Aquilina and had to sit and listen while the little girls he hurt came back to call him out.  Then he had to stand silently while Aquilina sentenced him.  "I signed your death warrant,"she said.  Finally someone took action.  No young woman will be a victim of Nassar.  Never again. 

But for every brave survivor, how many still fight to be heard?  How many watch what happened to these young gymnasts and think they'll be dismissed too?  Aly Raisman's six Olympic medals weren't enough to make people listen to her.  How many survivors will be brave enough to try to be the exception? 

What can we do to make it easier for them?

There are millions of children who have been molested.  If you don't believe me, go watch the movie Spotlight.  The last few minutes of the movie lay it all out.

This is a pivotal moment in history.  So many survivors are speaking out, we have no choice but to believe them.  One victim is easy to write off.  Ten or twenty, not so much.  We have to keep talking.  Momentum is finally in our favor and I'm not gonna let this opportunity pass.

Recently I made a Facebook post discussing our current political leaders who've been accused of sexual harassment while no one seems to care.  Scratch that, no one from their political party seems to care.  One of my FB "friends" advised me to "find another avenue for your hostility."  To that person and any other detractors, I happen to think my current avenues are just fine, thank you.  In fact I like them so much, I added another one.  This blog.  If this offends you, you're just gonna have to feel offended.

I personally think feeling hostile toward rapists and sexual harassers is a healthy emotion.  It's clear that some people don't agree. While part of me wants to respond by suggesting who has the REAL problem, I'm gonna take the high road (this time) and stay focused on the message. 

I'm not here to whine and I'm not here to play victim.  For thirty years I've waited for things to change.  I waited for people to believe rape survivors and listen to children when they say they've been molested.  I've waited for people to stop asking what they did to deserve it or suggest what they could have done to prevent it.  Change never happened.

I'm done waiting.

So allow me to introduce myself:  I have a daughter who deserves a better world.  I'm a survivor of rape and I'm an advocate for change.  The only way we're gonna stop rape is to stop blaming victims and start listening.  Stop making excuses for rapists and hold them accountable.  Lock them up and throw away the key. 

Better yet, teach them not to rape in the first place.

Don't wait for change.  Make it happen.  That's why I'm here.